The notion of God having given human beings a set of rules to live by is common to many faiths. The most popular expression of this in western culture is, of course, the "ten commandments." It might be argued that these have attained their popularity more through the ministry of Cecil B. DeMille than any antediluvian rock-climbing performed by Moses. For one thing, the commandments given to Moses as they appear in the book of Exodus number fifteen, not ten. Most of these are open to considerable interpretation.

For example, they include an admonition not to covet thy neighbour's ass. Clearly, this is somewhat unspecific — aside from failing to distinguish between beasts and buttocks, it doesn't suggest what to do if your neighbour has a really nice ass.

The heavy fifteen are followed by a number of lesser injunctions, including "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Once again, this is exceedingly vague. It will no doubt send a chill through everyone who's awoken to find that the cat has snuck into his or her bedroom.

The world has become a more complex place in the five or so thousand years since the "official" commandments were written — and then copy-edited a few thousand years later by the early christians. More up to date instructions are clearly called for.

As an aside, I should note that even though the rest of us know that the creator of the universe clearly has a sense of humour, I'm sure this one will most likely upset the fundies. I accept that in the cosmically unlikely event that God really does turn out to be a bald-headed old man with a white beard, an unshaven guy with nail holes in his hands and a mysterious pyromaniac in a bedsheet, I'm in deep trouble for having written this page. I'll take my chances — there's no need to send me e-mail telling me that the gas is even now being turned up in hell for heathens such as myself.

The following is a list of supplimental commandments for the new millennium.

hou shalt not brandish an Uzi while driving behind an old person.

hou shalt not compose limericks at a funeral.

hou shalt not teleport within sight of technologically-inferior species.

hou shalt not use the "X word." (1)

hou shalt not say "groady".

hou shalt not fast-forward through the commercials.

hou shalt not teach a ferret to yodel.

hou shalt not have misplaced priorities.

hou shalt not align yourself with the dark side of the force.

hou shalt not freeze-frame to look up Jessica Rabbitt's dress.

hou shalt not buy stuff made in sweat shops unless it's really trendy and just to die for.

hou shalt not drive old clothes to Goodwill in the Jag.

hou shalt not talk to Elvis at the dinner table.

hou shalt not max out the plastic.

hou shalt not order anchovies on half the pizza.

hou shalt not practice bagpipes in an avalanche zone.

hou shalt not knowingly eat tofu.

hou shalt not drink pasteurized beer.

hou shalt not quote Virgil or Ovid to justify leasing a beamer.(2)

hou shalt not allow yourself to become excited while discussing mutual funds.

hou shalt not whistle tunes from Cats while your mother-in-law is having triple-bypass surgery.

hou shalt not claim that the cheque is in the mail.

hou shalt not give Spandex to anyone who sweats excessively.

hou shalt not put people on hold unless they appear to be salesmen.

hou shalt not develop innovative new uses for sheep.

hou shalt not honk off a rottweiller just for a rush.

hou shalt not convince stupid people to try cordless bungee jumping.

hou shalt not exhibit liberal tendencies

hou shalt not ask if it fired six bullets, or only five.

hou shalt not substitute Semtex when all the Playdough's gone.

hou shalt not microwave the cat.

hou shalt not be perky.

hou shalt not forget to clean the filter in the gene pool.

hou shalt not deliberately buy the brands of tuna that include extra dolphin.

hou shalt not surf the net in your underwear.

hou shalt not hum the theme from "Masterpiece Theater" during a monster truck pull.

hou shalt not make house flies atone for their crimes.

hou shalt not forget to rewind.

hou shalt not juggle goldfish in the subway after midnight.

hou shalt not give the Kama Sutra as a "get well soon" gift after a vasectomy.

hou shalt not smoke in a space suit.

hou shalt not derive amusement from crazy glue.

hou shalt not blame it on extraterrestrials.

hou shalt not tie-dye your stock broker.

hou shalt not cut your toenails with a weed-whacker.

hou shalt not describe dead people as "metabolically challenged".

hou shalt not make offerings unto the false gods of perfect hair, increased lung capacity or one percent body fat.

hou shalt not suffer a poodle to live.

hou shalt not covet thy neighbour's babe unless she's totally stacked.

hou shalt not bio-engineer close friends or family members.

hou shalt not administer an intelligence test to a public-sector employee and a sack of hammers in the same room.

hou shalt not feed red meat to a lawyer.

hou shalt not bob for hand grenades.

hou shalt not search for hidden messages in music played backward.

hou shalt not attempt to ascertain the tensile strength of cows.

hou shalt not snort NutraSweet.

hou shalt not leave the lid half screwed on.

hou shalt not address a sock on your hand as "alfonse".

hou shalt not seek to rise above your station in the food chain.

hou shalt not derive financial gain from road kill.

hou shalt not employ cheese as a means of sexual arousal.

hou shalt not miss the birth of one of your children to watch The Simpsons.

hou shalt not say "taupe", "platinum", "silver", "charcoal", "brushed aluminum", "pewter", "pearl" or "oyster shell" when you mean "grey".

hou shalt not solicit government grants to conduct further research into the effects on polecats of turning them inside-out.

hou shalt not raise anthrax as a house pet.

hou shalt not shoot tourists just because it's tourist season.

hou shalt not possess graven images of poker-playing dogs.

hou shalt not order fast food in a heavy Russian accent.

hou shalt not fail to honour thy step-father or thy surrogate mother.

hou shalt not leave voice mail after midnight.

hou shalt not wear a hat covered in fruit or dangling corks.

hou shalt not choose an apartment because of its proximity to the mall.

hou shalt not stalk the wily groundhog with a Stinger missile.

hou shalt not consume diet milkshakes in flavours of "haggis", "lemming" or "wild strumpet".

hou shalt not pretend to be able to dance to rap.

hou shalt not buy condoms bearing the Good Housekeeping seal of approval,

hou shalt not eat Fritos in a tanning bubble.

hou shalt not wear souvenir Disney World boxer shorts.

hou shalt not enter any dungeon guarded by a dragon.

hou shalt not try to get even with a video lottery terminal.

hou shalt not colourize.

hou shalt not paint neon-green heartbeat stripes on a Humvee.

hou shalt not experiment with sword-swallowing as a cure for persistent hiccups.

hou shalt not own a recreational bug zapper.

hou shalt not give hand-crafted radioisotopes as a house-warming present.

hou shalt not consider yourself to be on a first-name basis with a chain saw.

hou shalt not walk barefoot in packing peanuts.

hou shalt not call 911 to report an unexpected surge in the earthworm population.

hou shalt not snore in 6/8 time.

hou shalt not fix the dishwasher with an eight-pound hammer and a glue gun.

hou shalt not pray to Zeus for things your usual god would laugh at.

hou shalt not buy a used car from anyone named "Stig."

hou shalt not attempt to predict the outcome of a cockroach race by calculations based on the circumference of the great pyramid of Cheops.

hou shalt not permit fuzzy purple mutants to spawn in your fridge.

hou shalt not wear nipple rings that clash with your nose pin.

hou shalt not camp out in line overnight for the opening of a new Wal-Mart.

hou shalt not try to sneak a six-letter carnal reference past the personalized license plate people.

hou shalt not wear any sort of baseball cap that uses batteries.

hou shalt not measure your Visa balance on the Richter scale.

hou shalt not put ice-nine in the Slushy machine.

hou shalt not drink a diet Pepsi and eat a Three Musketeers bar on the assumption that they'll cancel each other out.

⁽¹⁾ Overheard at a party. The "X word" is "christian", the letter X being used to mean "christ" in some cases, as it's a cross of sorts. Hence the more common expression "xmas", for "christmas." Purists will note the error in this — a simple, easily understood falsehood is much more workable than a complex, impenetrable truth, and so few people at parties speak Greek.

⁽²⁾ For example, QUOD QUIS HABET, DOMINAE CONFERAT OMNE SUAE (Whatever each man has, let him give it to the mistress of his heart. — Ovid) This could be construed as a passionate plea for new wheels, in the right circumstances. Don't try this at home.